good afternoon! i hope your day has been full of grace so far. welcome to the blog portion of my website. i am here to celebrate small victories, i am here to encourage you to do the same.
life is complex. no need to lack forgiveness for yourself. every day has a new lens. the sun shines down with a fresh point of view each morning. more importantly, you are more than your past. you are an imperfect being. you are worth more than the constant resentment you may cause yourself to endure.
listen. like me, you may have a past that is full to the brim, heavy like a cloud about to pour. if you do, i can assure you that you are still holding yourself accountable for something your more naïve and inexperienced self may have done or not done.
i am still healing myself, and that process calls for so much trial and error, slips, self conflict and even betrayal, and countless other devices. these are all normal and good. you cannot learn to go a different way in one night or one therapy session. you cannot sit with yourself one time and figure it all out, so treat yourself with the kindness and patience you would a child who is hurt because, deep down, that is who we are.
a child knows no better. a child is simple in thinking. a child has morale, but may not be able to utilize it effectively. forgive yourself for trying so hard, even if it was in the wrong way. i did this for so long. i am still learning how to forgive my sixteen year old self.
when i was sixteen, i found myself living within a bond fueled by old trauma. the cycle of tension building followed by an explosion and then a roller - coaster extreme dopamine hit became an addiction and felt like the most lively and wonderful love i had ever experienced. yes, i was young, and yes it was the first time i had ever fallen in love, but it was synthetic, like a drug. real love now feels flawed. it feels unreal. it feels lonely sometimes and static. safety is unnerving. safety feels horrifying. there is a sense of consistency, and not in a cycle format, but a simple, ongoing, linear sort of way. this feels like a tragic death, because i have truly never experienced raw love.
i would like to pause here and say; this experience for me was in the hands of no one particular. during my first love, i was going through a lot of downfalls. socially, in my family life, with myself as a growing teenager, and it was all just enough to qualify as a traumatic period of my life. i know that there is no blame to be assigned. it was just my experience.
needless to say, the fear of safety and consistency is real. it all depends on your roots and your foundation. i am working to unwind it all. to relearn what love is supposed to be. to fall into the right habits. to learn how to feel good in a new cycle. it is the hardest battle i have fought thus far, and it may be the same for you.
i am no therapist, but i listen to my own. your fight is valid. in all walks of life, trauma hurts and it stays. it inhibits all part of your brain. it forms you. no matter how much you want to stray from it, let it not define you, it will always be there, even if you succeed in those things. now, this is not necessarily a bad thing. it is just important to be able to accept that part of you and leave it in your filing cabinet. instead of showcasing hatred towards your ways of life, turn it more into a sense of pride. that you are here now, and you see it. that's the biggest part, the acknowledgement. it is uncomfortable and scary, and sometimes devastating. but that is your mark to go. your sign to build yourself. to see the world in a new way, the same way this universe does every rising morning. try again! it is so worth the work. you deserve a warm start. welcome yourself in. you have already gotten so far.
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